If you go through life looking backwards, you'll walk into things.

I've been taking a good hard look at myself these past few days, and I'm not sure I like what I'm seeing. I don't mean physically - I could spend the best part of a week taking that little shambles apart! - but emotionally, I'm a bit of a mess.

This is how it stands; I'm rapidly approaching 30, I have met the love of my life, I have a good job (or as good as jobs get in this climate) and a fairly supportive family. I have my health (mostly), I have a body that, whilst nowhere near perfect, dresses up ok, and I am (for some reason) popular enough with the people I meet. So, why am I always worrying about something? More than that; why am I always thinking it's all going to cave in around me?

I've always been a slightly bizarre mix of the pessimist and the optimist; at first, everything that happens is dark, the end of the world, a disaster. Then, slowly, as the mist clears, I can see the little light at the end of the tunnel and it all looks like it'll turn out fine. This has worked in the past. The thing is, the more I make the darkness darker, the more effect that has on the people around me, and the more I end up hurling them into a pit of despair. Then, when I'm seeing the light, they're still wallowing in my self-pity, because that was where I put them.

Case in point: my girlfriend - the love of my life, my absolute soulmate and, without a doubt, the best thing to have happened to me in nearly 30 years. Also possibly the most patient person to ever walk the earth! She puts up with me snapping because life isn't perfect, standing in front of a mirror in tears because I look awful (and not having any of it when she says I look beautiful), falling apart in public because (for some crazy reason even I can't fathom) I can't make a decision on what to eat, especially not if my blood sugars are low, and even less so if I feel rushed. Through all that, she remains by my side. Despite all that, she still loves me. She gets frustrated, angry, upset and confused, but she still loves me. And I love her too, although I fear I don't always show it enough.

So, what next? I've had a delve inside, come up sorely lacking and decided I need to make changes. I need to stop looking back at the things that have gone before and worrying that it'll all happen again. I need to look at myself and accept that, however unbelievable, I do deserve the love that I receive. And I need to realise that, whilst life may not be perfect, sometimes you have to take that rollercoaster if you are ever to experience the thrill of the ride. It's never easy to change your outlook on life, but I'm not ready to give up on the good things in order to make my existence easy. Hold on to your hats, world - this ride's only just beginning ...